Back in the Saddle: Unforgiven
by Dr. Sexy M.D
Summary: Part II in my Back in the Saddle series. Sam now knows that he was soulless for that year and a half and knows a few of the details, but he wants to know more. Deals with the actual case from "Unforgiven" but with lots of kinkiness. Rated M for a reason.


Title: Back in the Saddle: Unforgiven

This is part 2, set during the Season 6 episode called "Unforgiven".

Characters: Sam/Dean

Rating: M for Language and steaminess

Warnings: Wincest, hurt!Dean, forced dom/sub behavior, broken relationship

Description: Takes place right after Sam finds out everything Cass told him about in "Like a Virgin". Sam has learned some details about the time he was soulless, but there are still many holes. Sam and Dean go on the Arachne case and deal with that while continuing to deal with their relationship and how to get things back to normal.

A/N: This one is probably the darkest of all the short stories in this series. Dean's behavior may be confusing, but it will make more sense in part 3. Dean is really tortured and tormented internally in this one. Please do not crucify me for what I have done to these characters. :) It will get better...that's all I can say at this point.

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><p>Back in the Saddle: Unforgiven<p>

(Part II in the Back in the Saddle Series)

There were no words to describe the way Sam felt. The love he had for his brother was unnatural, almost supernatural in and of itself and yet completely perfect. The life they led left a lot to be desired, but it was theirs; it was pretty much unique to them. Nobody was cursed the way they were, the way their family was. But, the thing that left him the most speechless and unable to breathe was the knowledge that he had been walking around – living a life, some of it hunting with Samuel and some of it by his brother's side – without his soul, his moral compass safely within his body.

The thought of being with Dean for six months and knowing that it hadn't been good for Dean – that Dean hadn't truly been able to be with him or even trust him – killed him more than anything else ever could.

The only partially good thing the knowledge did to him was help him understand a little bit about what Dean was going through. Dean had been holding back because of the wall that Death had put up in his mind and because there was probably still a part of him that trusted that Sam was actually intact and not out to hurt him, or worse…completely indifferent.

Sam begged Dean to talk about it, to tell him what he had done. Cass filled him in on some of the details of what he had done, the basics…Sam working with Samuel and torturing Alphas for purgatory, working for Crowley, almost killing Bobby to make his body uninhabitable for his soul. He knew that Dean had been the one to fix him, to make some sort of crooked deal with Death in order to get him fixed and that Sam had allowed his brother to be turned into a vampire, without trying to stop it. Those were the basics that Sam knew about, but he suspected that there was more. He suspected that there was a lot more that he had done that he wasn't aware of. Maybe he hadn't tried to kill Bobby any other time, or get Dean turned into a monster for intel….but the psychological and emotional pain that he must've caused the two men he loved would have been far, far worse than the rest of it.

"You weren't supposed to know." Dean had said, clearly angered and definitely frustrated after he found out that his angel buddy had spilled the beans during their hunt for the dragons.

"What I did…to Bobby…to you?" Sam asked. His head felt like it was barely screwed on, like he was living in some parallel universe. "Of course I should know." How could his brother not understand what this was like for him? Wouldn't he want to know if he was in his position? He knew Dean would be furious if Sam tried to pull the wool over his eyes like that. But, Sam wasn't furious, he was sad and horrified. He wanted to do anything and everything that he could to fix this…if it was fixable…God he hoped it was fixable.

"Sam, Death didn't just shove your soul back in, okay? He put up the great wall of Sam between you and the things that you don't remember and trust me when I say that the things that you don't know could kill you. That's not a joke."

"Alright. But, I have to set things right, what I can anyway." Sam explained, desperate to make Dean understand that he wanted to take away the fears and the hesitancy, that he wanted Dean to trust him again.

All it seemed to do was make Dean more defiant and angry, "It wasn't you!" That had been the hardest part of Dean, knowing that he had been face to face with his brother's body for six months, but that Sam hadn't really been Sam. It had been torturous and heart-breaking for him.

Sam fought back the helpless tears that were threatening to escape. "You know I kind of feel like I got slipped the worst mickey of all time and woke up to find out that I had burnt the whole city down. And you can say it wasn't me, but I'm the one with the zippo in my pocket, you know? So, I'm not sure it's that cut and dry. And look, I appreciate you trying to protect me, I really do, but I gotta fix what I gotta fix so I need to know what I did."

Dean struggled with all of it. He struggled with the details that he was aware of when it came to what Sam had done while his soul was trapped with Lucifer. He struggled with all of it and part of him wanted to talk about the things he was feeling. He wanted to get some things off his chest, wanted to reveal to his lover the fears and desperation that he was carrying around, but he knew it wasn't safe. The wall in Sam's head could come crashing down at any moment and then he would lose everything…everything.

A few days later Sam had tried again. "Please Dean." Sam begged from beside Dean in the bed. It had been a couple of weird nights for them. Neither had reached for the other, they hadn't laid a hand on each other since Sam had found out about his soul and Dean had silently cried himself to sleep, his back turned from his brother. All they did was lay in bed together, both desperately trying to outrun the inevitable fate that was looming in the dark.

Dean stirred but did not speak. He silently willed his brother to drop it.

"I know you heard me."

"No Sam, we've had this conversation."

"I need to know what I did to you…besides the whole vampire thing."

"Nothing. You didn't do anything. It's fine, Sam."

"Bullshit!"

Sam's tone sliced through Dean's heart and threatened to leave him bloody and mangled beside him. "We are not talking about this…ever. Now, go to sleep before I punch you in your face."

Sam swallowed back the shocked gasp that almost came out. He hated when Dean got like this. He decided not to press his luck and instead turned over and forced himself to sleep.

After that Dean had insisted that they get a different room with two beds…a fact that had fully broken the few remaining intact pieces of Sam's heart. He wanted things to get better between them, not worse. But, despite his desire to put up a fight and try to make Dean see his point, he just went along with it…what else could he do? He had seriously destroyed his brother and he had to do all that he could to show Dean that he was truly sorry. He would pretty much go along with anything that Dean wanted at that point.

They hadn't spoken in days at this point; there was a virtual continent between them. So, Sam was shocked when Dean walked into their motel room, looked over to him and asked, "What are you watching?"

Sam wanted to sigh with relief and run over to hold his brother tightly, but he couldn't. 'Baby steps, Sam.' He told himself. "Just trying to catch up." He turned the television off and tossed the remote to the side, giving Dean his complete attention.

Dean didn't take the bait. They just continued to talk to each other like brothers, about Mel Gibson and about the Mother of all that they had recently learned about and started to eat lunch…nothing exciting, but Sam would take what he could get.

This went on until Sam received a mysterious text message from someone he didn't know revealing coordinates to a place in Bristol, Rhode Island where it seemed like their might be a case. Sam immediately believed that they needed to go there, to figure out what was going on. And, he couldn't help but think that getting back on a case might make things better between them. They could work together and Sam could show Dean that he had his back again like always…and maybe some of the awkwardness would disappear.

Dean was more resistant. He didn't know if he could trust whoever sent Sam this message. The whole thing gave him these weird vibes and he worried about what would happen if they went there. He didn't want Sam to come face to face with his past or anything.

But they went. Of course they went…this was their job. Sam had to promise Dean that they would drop the case if things got bad, but he hadn't really meant a word of it.

Just driving into Bristol and seeing the sign gave Sam flashbacks. He tried to hide them, but Dean was pretty good at reading Sam after all the years they'd known each other…forever.

They went to a restaurant and got some food, talking about the case. After Dean went to the bathroom, Sam ran into a woman who clearly knew him…as an FBI agent and knew about the case…a woman who seemed to like him a little bit more than a stranger should. Dean came back carrying a picture in his hand and Sam introduced him to the woman as his new partner. Dean tried to get them away from the woman who was undressing Sam with her eyes and she quickly got the hint. When she touched his shoulder, however, Sam got a flashback of having sex with her up against a bathroom sink.

"What was that?" Dean asked, confused. "She just cougar-eyed you."

"I think Samuel and I worked a case in this town." Sam said, his heart racing and beads of sweat appearing on his brow.

"You think?" Dean asked as he finally revealed the picture he had been holding. It was a picture of some dude with a pirate hat on and Sam was clearly visible…and stone faced…in the back.

Dean threw some money down and they quickly left the restaurant.

"I'm sorry." Sam muttered to his brother once they were in the car.

"For what? Because some chick had the hots for you?" Dean shook his head, "You don't need to apologize for something like that."

He just sighed to himself.

That was it for Dean. He wanted out of this town. He remembered Dad's rule about how you never use the same crapper twice. Of course he cared about the missing women and everything, but he knew better than to stick around somewhere where they recognized Sam's face. Not a good plan.

Of course after Sam did a little research and realized that the year before something had taken five men and now it was taking women…he realized that whatever it was it hadn't been stopped the first time around. He knew they needed to stay and kill the thing, whatever it was. They argued…pretty hot and heavy about whether to leave or to stay – Sam even used things that dad said to counteract Dean's points, along with the fact that Dean would do the exact same thing – and eventually Sam won out, much to Dean's utter chagrin.

Dean went and questioned the families of the women who had been taken and Sam went to the police station to ask them some questions. Sam was arrested along the way and flashes of the past came back to him once again. He realized that he had done some bad shit to the cop that arrested him when he was soulless. He was put behind bars and accused of murdering the women along with all the men who had been taken the last time he was in town.

Eventually a woman came back and asked him where her husband was, told him she knew all about him and what he did. Memories flooded his mind again and he remembered her and her husband from his previous visit through town. He managed to get her to believe that he didn't remember what happened and that he was different and she helped him to escape.

Sam made it back to their place and did a bunch of research. He heard a noise outside and grabbed his gun, slowly stepping behind the door and was just about the shoot when he discovered it was Dean who was walking in. Dean put his hands up and looked like a deer in headlights for a second. "Hey Sam, so how does it feel to be a fugitive again? Hate to say I told you so."

"You'd love to say I told you so." Sam muttered in response. He was up to his elbows in crap and he didn't want to take any from his brother, even if it was _Dean_.

"Actually you're right. I do love to say I told you so." He pulled something out of his pocket and told him that he found out something about one of the girls who had gone missing. "Turns out you two knew each other…"

"What?"

"Biblically. I just spoke to her roommate and I gotta say…you really got around…soulless or not, I'm actually kind of impressed."

Before either of them could discuss this whole fiasco they heard on the police scanner about another missing person.

Dean dismissed Sam's concern by telling him that he would go and check it out. He made Sam stay there and Sam said he was going to listen. Dean left and as soon as the car pulled out, Sam took off.

While Dean was investigating he discovered something interesting and weird…all the girls who had been taken had all had sex with Sam. He rolled his eyes and called Sam to tell him but Sam didn't answer his phone so Dean left him a message.

Sam went to visit the Sheriff's wife, Brenna, again and they talked about the old case as well as the new case. She gave him the case files and he went through it, getting flashbacks the entire time. How was he going to tell Dean about the flashbacks? He knew he was going to be pissed. But, one good thing came out of the whole trip down memory lane…he finally figuring out what they were dealing with…an Arachne.

When Sam left her house he finally got Dean's message. Then he spotted a large spider web on the side of the house and it sparked his curiosity. He heard a sound behind him and drew his gun, almost shooting Dean…again.

Dean got him out of there quickly, not wanting anything bad to happen and neither of them spoke until they were back.

"I'm sorry." Sam told his brother again.

"Look Sam, it wasn't you…"

"We've been through this, Dean."

"Well, I was with Lisa for a year. She's a girl…believe me."

Sam frowned, "Because you thought I was gone and you promised me that you would. I just went off and banged a ton of chicks while you went around thinking I was…"

Dean put up his hand; he didn't need any help figuring the last part out. "Sam…"

"No. Don't Sam me, Dean." He moved to his brother then, "This is my fault. I'm the one who said yes to Lucifer, who jumped in that hole, who came back without my soul and who did terrible things to people…to you." By this point, he had backed Dean up to the wall and his mouth was hovering over his brother's mouth. "God Dean, I hate this. I hate that things are so fucked up. I hate that you don't trust me…."

Dean groaned, "I know it wasn't you, Sam. Believe me; I was with you for that six months…I know it wasn't you. You weren't dewy eyed and prissy. You weren't yourself. All the things I loved about you…all the things that made you _you_ weren't there."

Sam's hands were all over Dean, touching him everywhere he could reach. He never wanted to let Dean go…ever. "I can't imagine how that must've been for you. Please let me make this better."

Dean shook his head, "No. There isn't anything that you can do, nothing anyone can do. What's done is done."

"So that's just it then? There's no redemption."

"You don't need redemption. How many times do I need to spell it out for you?"

"Then why are things different between us. Why have you pushed me away?" Sam nuzzled at Dean's neck and jaw line, "want you, Dean. Wanna be inside of you. Please."

Dean groaned. He wanted it more than he could say, but he didn't know if he could go through with it.

Sam sighed, "Look, I get that you can't give right now, okay? I understand that you're still holding back, but let me take care of you, Dean. Let me give you what you need. Let me try to make it better."

Dean was such a pushover. All Sam had to do was bat his eyelashes at him and he was his. "Fine, but you gotta promise me something."

"Anything Dean, anything."

"I want it rough, Sam. I want to feel it for days."

Sam furrowed his brow, "I don't understand why you need this, Dean. I don't want to hurt you, you must know that."

"I just do, Sam. I need it. If you want to make it better then you'll do this for me. No lube, no prep…"

Sam shook his head, "Not going to do damage."

"A little spit then."

Sam sighed, "Fine, get on the bed and bend over, Dean." If Dean needed this from him, he would give it to him. He wanted things to be soft, gentle and sweet, but if Dean wanted rough and painful then that's what he would give him. He just didn't want to do more harm than good.

Dean slipped his pants down to his ankles and got onto his hands and knees on the bed, his ass up in the air. "Please Sam."

Sam dropped his own pants to the floor and stepped out of them. He wanted to take his time, wanted to show Dean how much he loved him, but if this was all he got, then this was how it was going to be. He spit on his hand and rubbed it over his hard cock. Just having Dean's ass up in the air was enough to harden him, even if his heart wasn't in this.

Dean was nervous. He knew this was going to hurt, but he reveled in the hurt. The hurt was comforting…it made him feel like he was alive.

Sam lined his cock up at Dean's entrance. "Just stay relaxed, whatever you do."

Dean bit his lip…hard and tried to do just as his Sammy asked of him.

Sam closed his eyes, saying a prayer that Dean wouldn't be hurt badly, and pushed himself in.

Dean nearly bit his lip off. He fisted the sheets tightly, his knuckles turning white and he buried his screams into the pillow. He reminded himself that he had asked for this. This was his fault.

Sam tried to hold his tears back as he pressed farther in, knowing how painful this had to be for Dean. He loved Dean, with everything that he was and everything that he had and he never wanted to cause him pain like this.

Dean fought back tears that threatened to flood his eyes because of the pain, the way he felt like he was being violently ripped open.

Once Sam was sheathed completely inside of Dean he stilled and gave Dean a moment to breath.

The stillness only made Dean have to think. It made him worry that he was a freak for wanting this; it made him fear that he would lose Sam again. So, he pushed back against his brother and, through sobs begged, "Move dammit, move!"

Sam's heart was broken but he did as Dean asked of him. He moved, slowly, pressing hard into Dean, feeling the tight glove of heat around him. Ordinarily this would've felt amazing to Sam, but in this situation it didn't.

"Harder." It was barely a whisper but Sam heard it anyway.

Sam shook his head, "No, Dean."

"Sam! I said harder!"

Sam grunted and slipped in and out at a more vigorous pace, feeling his brother's trembling body against him. This was sobbing trembles, he knew enough to know that. What he didn't understand was why Dean would ask for something that hurt this deeply. He forced himself to focus on how good Dean's ass felt around him…how tight he was…so he didn't soften within him. He tried to reach around and give Dean some pleasure, make this easier on him, but his hand was slapped away.

"Don't!" Dean exclaimed.

So, instead, Sam just pounded Dean's ass harder, trying to hit that prostate and force him into pleasure. It was evident that he hit it when Dean started writhing on the bed and touching himself. The pleasure had overcome his big brain and he wasn't able to focus on how he needed the pain.

"Shit." Dean wailed, bucking back against Sam. Sam had won the battle of wills once again. "Why are you making me…feel…good? God, that feels good Sam, gonna come."

"I thought you didn't want to come, Dean." Sam said with an evil glint in his eyes.

"Shut up and fuck my ass!"

Sam laughed darkly and continued to drill Dean, making sure to hit his prostate as often as possible. Just as Dean began to reach that peak of pleasure, Sam forced Dean's arms back and above his head, refusing to let him come.

Dean convulsed and tried desperately to rub himself off on the bed beneath him.

"No, Dean! You wanted pain…you forced this on me…and now I'm going to force you to not come!" Sam was angry, that was apparent. He continued to fuck Dean so hard, so fast….so good and right on that fucking spot too…torturing Dean and refusing to give him the relief his body was craving.

Dean was crying again, but for an entirely different reason, a different kind of pain; a much more annoying pain.

Sam finished himself off; pounding Dean and relishing in the way he could make Dean come completely apart, knowing that Dean was about two second away from begging for his release. He wasn't such a touch guy now, was he? He came with a few long grunts of Dean's name and released his load, hot and sticky, deep inside of Dean.

Sam pulled out of Dean with a pop and then immediately rolled him onto his back, Dean's wrists still tightly grasped in one of his hands. He got a good look at Dean's face; tortured, anguished, pained and yet fucked out and red from how horny he was. Sam smiled to himself and licked his lips.

"Sammy, please…" Dean begged.

Sam shook his head, "No Dean. I'm not going to let you call the shots. Not now. You needed the pain, I get that, I do…but I need the love, Dean. I need you to know that I love you, that I will take care of your needs. I get that pain comes more easily to you than pleasure, it always has, but this thing between us…it's fucked up enough…we've been through too much. I'm not going to let you take it all away from me. I can give you pain when you need it, but you have to be willing to give me what I want to."

"What do you want, Sammy?"

"I want to be able to love you, Dean. I want to be able to show you that it's okay to be sad and upset about what happened. It's even okay to be scared, I did a lot to hurt you, but you gotta know that it's behind us."

"I can't…" Dean said, letting his head fall to the side, where he couldn't see Sam's eyes boring into him.

Sam used his free hand to force Dean's face near his. Then he began to kiss him, long and hard, his tongue darting into Dean's mouth. He needed this, he needed Dean like this. "You're so beautiful, Dean. Just want to love you."

Dean couldn't help the tears that fell in that moment. It was too much. He was comfortable with pain; it was easy for him, but the pleasure….the love…it hurt too much. He didn't know how long he was going to get to keep Sam this time…he didn't want to get used to the feeling of Sam loving him again and then have it taken from him.

"Shhh, Dean." Sam said, gently wiping away his brother's tears. "Everything's going to be okay, Dean."

Dean wanted to believe it, he really did.

Sam wrapped his hands around the base of Dean's aching erection and marveled at how he was able to stay hard through all of this. But, then he realized that Dean got off on the pain…any kind of pain…and it was an unsettling realization. He bent his head down and wrapped his lips around the head of his brother's cock, feeling it twitch. He touched him, licked him, sucked him until Dean was nearly unable to breath, and then he pulled back and met his brother's tortured eyes, "I will always take care of you Dean, and I will always love you. I'm sorry about all those girls, I'm sorry about the vampire thing, I'm sorry for everything else I did that I don't know about. I'm sorry for it all, Dean. I want us to be us again, Dean. I'll give you the pain, but right now I just want to show you how good it could be. I'm going to fight this whole thing, gonna stay here with you…not going to let things go bad again." When he bent his head again, he kept his eyes focused on Dean's sending him a message through that look…that he understood and loved him, that he would protect him and try to make it all better. So, Dean wasn't at all surprised that he found himself crying hard through his orgasm, feeling the purge of so many emotions overcoming him like a tidal wave.

When it was over Dean clung to Sam, trying desperately to make his brother understand.

"I wish you would forgive me, Dean." Sam said.

"I've already told you…"

"That it wasn't me, I know. You've told me that, you've told yourself that…you've tried to make us both feel better. But the fact is that I hurt you…deeply…and I'm still unforgiven. But, I promise you, Dean, that I will do everything in my power to make this right. I love you, Dean."

"Love you too Sammy." Dean said, feeling better somehow. The burn in his ass was tangible, something he could hold on to, something he could have for at least a few days if something bad did happen…if he did lose Sam…lose his heart…lose his own soul.


End file.
